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Not much! But things are going very well! I moved out into my friends Jackie and Toby house! It's sooooo much better! I have my own room and full house privileges! It's great and I have privacy! I am so happy!
Nick and I are doing great! We just take a day at a time and I'm pretty impressed with us, if I do say so myself! We're really working on our relationship! He's been out here whenever he can and we really appreciate it! He is looking for work and has had some interviews, I hope he gets something soon!
Alexandra is doing great! You can tell she's more relaxed here and not so overwhelmed. She is so amazing. She has a hitting problem though, but we're working on that! She is going to be 3 at the end of May, Woo Hoo! I'm so excited!
So yeah that's what's going on just keep praying for us and hopefully things will get better soon!
OMG, I'm so excited! This was so unexpected and I totally can't wait! And the best part is............
it's the best APRIL FOOLS joke EVER!!!!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
Yes, it's true! Nick and I are back together! Woo Hoo! Wow, I was so happy when we talked things over and decided to give it another go! Things are going great so far, it's been almost a week and it's going well. We haven't fought and I 'm not planning on it! We have been talking about moving to San Diego though, he lives there now with a friend, but we would like to have our own place. He has been filling out application left and right and has some interviews lined up next week. There are some really great jobs out there that he's looking into and I just pray that he gets one making some good money! Things here are so terrible, I really need to get the heck outta here. It's just not a good environment for Alex and I. So I pray that things start looking up and fast. Nick and I have decided to go to church, this Sunday actually. I'm so excited! I really don't want to do this again, ever. I want to just start fresh and be happy again. We have talked about so many things and the future. We just really want this. We are going to Las Vegas next month with Nick's roommates, so excited for that. Alex is going to stay with her Grammy, so it should be a really nice mini vaca for Nick and I. So, yeah that whats going on, pray for us and that things start looking up......fast! We need all the prayers we can get! God Bless!♥
Read more...So today was pretty hard. There's so many things going on and I just can't keep up. My mind is on go 24/7 and I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm being challenged in every way, as a mother, as a friend, as a women, the list goes on. This is such an important moment in my life, I feel. Like this is going to make me or brake me.
I haven't been able to let go of Nick. I guess I just feel like this was all so unexpected. We've always had problems and so many people think we're just not for each other, But there's just something there. Something that I can't or am willing to let go of. I love him. Always have. I know if we just tried we'd be great. We've been there, we've had it all. It's hard, but the out come is so worth it. I hate that Alexandra is going on 3 and Nick and I have already broken up twice. For months at a time. And he's so darn hard to read. He doesn't open up like he used to and talk to me. It's so frustrating.
He's been so terrible with Alex too, he rarely sees her or calls. It drives me crazy, it's his daughter for goodness sakes. I can't stress it enough with him, but it just goes through one ear out the other. That puts a huge burden on our relationship, because there's no excuse for it. She needs him whether we're OK or not.
All I know is I have allot on my plate and I'm doing everything when it comes to her. She lives with me, I feed her, bathe her, change her, potty train her, wash her clothes, buy what she needs, wake up with her in the middle of the night, etc.
He goes to school full time and that's about it. He's not working and hasn't since last year. It's amazing to think what we had, a luxury apartment, we each had nice cars/SUV, both of us had great jobs that paid well, money in the bank, nice things, and more.
Don't get me wrong those are all materialistic things, but from that to this.......we're both at friends house sleeping on the floor. I don't have a car and he drives his mothers. Neither of us has bank accounts, I mean it's terrible. I can't believe where in this situation. It's embarrassing. Where 27, with a daughter. There's just no excuse. I mean I'm not the type who lets this happen. I had a great job for about 5 years, my credit was great, I was able to do things that I liked, I was responsible. Him on the other hand went from job to job and depended on his mother. But either way I know we can do it, if we put our minds to it. I need to talk to him, I just don't know what the hell to say or how I could let him see it through my eyes. Idk, I guess we'll see. He is planning to come here on Friday to see Alex and to talk to me, but Idk what to say anymore, besides to give him an ultimatum, which is us or him.
Things have been pretty crazy lately. Nick and I are still donezo and I don't know if we'll ever get back together. He has admitted to me that he does love me, but doesn't know if he's in love with me.....OUCH. That one hurt. So, I made the decision to say Goodbye and only talk to him if it concerns Alexandra. It is really hard because I do still love him. We've done this before and we manage to set things aside later for a quick fix and get back together, but it's just like stacking up our problems til the next big fight. I don't know? Sometimes I know Nick is the one for me, but we just have that love hate relationship. The kind where you can't live with them, you can't live without them. Ahhh, I hate it.
We got together earlier this week for lunch, the 3 of us. On Sunday we are getting together to have Alex's pictures taken, which is kinda weird. I just wanna try and be nice and see where that takes me and him. Only time will tell I guess. Well, I gotta get some rest, Goodnight.
On this day of love, I feel alone. I wanted to get up this morning and feel happy and make the day great for Alexandra, but it just reminds me of what I don't have.
As I think of couples and families together, I feel like I just want to cry. It's finally a beautiful sunny day and I have no plans.
I miss Nick and wish he was here. Alex is super cranky, I wonder if she wishes the same thing.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
As you can see I haven't been on in a couple months and there's a reason for that. Last time I wrote my family and I were looking for a new place to live, some really unexpected news came up and we were not able to get a place in time. So, we moved in with Nick's mom's house.
We were really lucky to have been invited to stay, since the holidays were just days away.
Well, while we were there Nick and I got into a huge fight and we split up.
So, I've been on the down low, ever since. I am completely sad and filled with thoughts of why.
We have been through so much in the past 5 years, it wasn't always perfect, but I knew he was the one for me. We just had very different views on big issues and he just thought it was more important than us I guess.
I don't know what the future will bring us, if maybe one day we'll put our differences aside and move on, but I hope it brings happiness no matter what. I just hope and pray that things will get better soon! Thanks for reading!
At this time every year since I was born, is when the Christmas decorations, the lights, and of course the tree comes out. This year is different. We are not getting a tree, we don't have a place of our own to hang the lights or decorate, a living room to put a tree in, or even some spare cash to buy some presents, but I have never felt so BLESSED.
As I watch TV or see adds in magazines about Christmas shopping and decorations, goodies, and gifts, I fell humble. That even though we won't be able to afford much of anything this Christmas, I feel that I already have everything I could possibly need or want right here. My family.
My only wish is for a place to live by the end of the month and good wishes for the new year.
I Love my little family. I feel sad because for the first time, idk if we can get Alex anything from our own pockets, but I know that Christmas isn't all about gifts and she'll get some from other family members. I just feel with the little we do have, is enough. I also found more meaning this December, in little things. We might not be able to go and do the stuff we want, like shop and go to Disneyland like we talked about months ago, but i am finding other things to do that are just as satisfying.
All in all, I am truly Blessed to have the things I do have, because the truth is so many people are in a worse position than me. God bless!
Well, we didn't get the apartment. So, we're still looking. I hope we find something asap. But I think we'll have to wait til the 1st of January. I really wanted to be in our own place for Christmas, but oh well. It's been a tough month already and it's only the 9th! Just alot of drama and feeling sorry for myself. I just never thought I'd ever be in this position, you know? I'm sure we all find ourselves in situations where we think that very thing!
I just try to find the positive and I tell myself, "maybe it's just not god's plan for us." Which hurts like hell, but sometimes you gotta believe that. When Nick came home and told me the bad news, I told him to please take Alex out for awhile, so I could be alone. When that door shut, I just cried, as loud as I could. We have been through so much, from the top and down to the bottom. I just get so upset, like I'm sure many people do, to know that your a good person and yet always have problems. Idk, I just hope and pray that things will start looking up! I am so thankful for what we do have and that we have eachother!
Well, dinner is almost done, so I gotta go! God Bless!
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